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8 Boyfriend Labels Women Use in Yelp Reviews and What They Really Mean

Terms for significant others are a subtle part of the Yelp experience, because our stories of eating are so often tied to who we are out with.

My Boyfriend.

Standard. It’s most often dropped right up front and has a very specific purpose. For example, “My boyfriend told me about this restaurant so I was excited…” The deeper meaning is that you should stop thinking you might click on my profile and check out my photos. However, you can continue reading my review once you take a second to re-adjust your mind set, perv.

The Boyfriend.

As in “I had eggs and the boyfriend had salmon.” This says that I’m comfortable mentioning I’m in a relationship, but secretly things are not as stable as I would like. Adding “the” in front makes it seem more solid. Like “the moon” or “the IRS.”

My Man.

Nobody says this. Ever. Except one dude to another. Especially one 70’s black guy to another.

 

The Hubby.

Similar to the boyfriend, putting “the” in front of husband is slightly different. In this case it’s an attempt to make it seem like I am more happy with my marital roles than you other, more troubled, couples. We accept our roles and are happy with them, and want you to know that while we have our problems we are fine. Ultimately, I am the wife and he is the husband. It’s so simple, see?

 

Rick.

Not that everyone has a boyfriend named Rick, but when complete strangers simply use the first name of their partner, they are telling you so much. “When Rick ordered the foie gras, our waitress was totally eyeing him. That bitch.” It’s supposed to communicate that he is so intertwined in my life that I don’t need to give him a label. But what it really shows is that I never meet anyone new because I only talk to the same six people.

 

My Boy.

As in, “me and my boy are going to see the Jonas Brothers tonight” This ghetto attempt at gender equality is appreciated, but somehow seems awkward. It sounds like you are talking about your son. Your son that is the same age as you: 15. Or possibly that you are a dude talking about another dude. As in,“My homey Chuck and my boy Rupret.” Maybe if more women use this it will gain popularity, and I get that women might do it to protest being called “my girl,” but there has got to be a better way to battle that. Like just asking nicely.

 

Guy I’m Dating.

Commitment Issues.

 

This Motherfucker.

Now we’re just being silly.

 

  • Suki

    I prefer using “the man”. Slightly ambiguous yet implies authority and oppression.

  • Suki

    I prefer using “the man”. Slightly ambiguous yet implies authority and oppression.

  • http://www.urban-mermaid.com/ urban_mermaid

    i don’t know that none of these apply in the reverse for men. maybe just not among the guys you know, but i’ve seen “the girlfriend,” “the wife,” “name,” etc. used a labels.

    however, i absolutely agree with your interpretation of what each of these mean.

  • http://www.urban-mermaid.com urban_mermaid

    i don’t know that none of these apply in the reverse for men. maybe just not among the guys you know, but i’ve seen “the girlfriend,” “the wife,” “name,” etc. used a labels.

    however, i absolutely agree with your interpretation of what each of these mean.

  • Begay

    Who the hell has time to actually write Yelp reviews? Or blog for that matter…oh wait, maybe Begay does. You’ve also failed to include the following labels (and their descriptions) – Nicknames:
    “Daddy”
    or perhaps “Tiger” or maybe even “Doctor Wayne Johnson” would suggest that your playfulness in the bedroom extends to your online typographing experiences. This person is not only constantly thinking about sex but thinking about sex from the perspective of a Romanian opera singer named “Luka” who needs her “dressing room stocked”, or whatever you’ve come up with for this weeks’ playtime. H-o-t-t.
    Some guy:
    You aren’t even dating him, you don’t really like him but he pays for shit and you spent all your money for the week at Bebe while drunk off of melon ball shots. Congratulations, you are not only 23 and live in the Marina but your soul is void – like *hella* void. Move back in with the parents in Orinda quickly before you start dating hipsters as a backlash. Be careful, they rarely shower.
    Hamilton Vicerory Gregorio Hapsburgion II:
    You are so proud that you are dating a guy with a suffix that you not only change “Jr.” to “II” but you include *both* his middle names. You are pathetic and probably watch Real Housewives of Whatever-fucking-city-has-rich-and-terrible people in it. You also probably don’t use Yelp because you don’t know how, so you force your Hispanic employee/pseudo mother to your children (who also have ridiculous names) Marta to do it for you. Everyone despises your existence, but none more than Marta.
    Sexy Strong Steve:
    You feel it important to modify the proper noun so much so that you’ve been relegated to onomatopoeia. Yes, my spell check works – but you constantly need to build him up in your mind and must use your English degree from Sarah Lawrence to do so. He is probably either a) not sexy, b) not strong or c) gay. So, by modifying him with additional adjectives, you’ve used the clever guise of language to assuage your fears of your impending break due to a situation beyond your control. The first time you see him not be able to lift a couch you are out the door and probably into the arms of a douche bag (see “Some guy”). It is a vicious cyle.
    Boltron
    let’s see the other side of this coin, the things MEN WITH PENISES write in Yelp describing their women friends.

    Begay out.

  • Begay

    Who the hell has time to actually write Yelp reviews? Or blog for that matter…oh wait, maybe Begay does. You’ve also failed to include the following labels (and their descriptions) – Nicknames:


    “Daddy”

    or perhaps “Tiger” or maybe even “Doctor Wayne Johnson” would suggest that your playfulness in the bedroom extends to your online typographing experiences. This person is not only constantly thinking about sex but thinking about sex from the perspective of a Romanian opera singer named “Luka” who needs her “dressing room stocked”, or whatever you’ve come up with for this weeks’ playtime. H-o-t-t.

    Some guy:

    You aren’t even dating him, you don’t really like him but he pays for shit and you spent all your money for the week at Bebe while drunk off of melon ball shots. Congratulations, you are not only 23 and live in the Marina but your soul is void – like *hella* void. Move back in with the parents in Orinda quickly before you start dating hipsters as a backlash. Be careful, they rarely shower.

    Hamilton Vicerory Gregorio Hapsburgion II:

    You are so proud that you are dating a guy with a suffix that you not only change “Jr.” to “II” but you include *both* his middle names. You are pathetic and probably watch Real Housewives of Whatever-fucking-city-has-rich-and-terrible people in it. You also probably don’t use Yelp because you don’t know how, so you force your Hispanic employee/pseudo mother to your children (who also have ridiculous names) Marta to do it for you. Everyone despises your existence, but none more than Marta.

    Sexy Strong Steve:

    You feel it important to modify the proper noun so much so that you’ve been relegated to onomatopoeia. Yes, my spell check works – but you constantly need to build him up in your mind and must use your English degree from Sarah Lawrence to do so. He is probably either a) not sexy, b) not strong or c) gay. So, by modifying him with additional adjectives, you’ve used the clever guise of language to assuage your fears of your impending break due to a situation beyond your control. The first time you see him not be able to lift a couch you are out the door and probably into the arms of a douche bag (see “Some guy”). It is a vicious cyle.

    Boltron

    let’s see the other side of this coin, the things MEN WITH PENISES write in Yelp describing their women friends.

    Begay out.

  • http://boltron.com/ nate bolt

    begay – WOW. as usual you are a disaster. love it.

  • http://boltron.com nate bolt

    begay – WOW. as usual you are a disaster. love it.

  • Accomplice

    I am curious what you think of “Man Friend” which is a term often ascribed to me in Yelp reviews

    -michael

  • http://twitter/accomplice Accomplice

    I am curious what you think of “Man Friend” which is a term often ascribed to me in Yelp reviews

    -michael

  • http://boltron.com/ nate bolt

    Michael – “Man Friend” is the best label ever, because it means the woman writing on Yelp is trying to signal the entire internet that she is, like, totally available. Also, It may be time to re-evaluate your life thus far. I’m kidding – you aren’t actually called “man friend” in yelp reviews are you?!

  • http://boltron.com nate bolt

    Michael – “Man Friend” is the best label ever, because it means the woman writing on Yelp is trying to signal the entire internet that she is, like, totally available. Also, It may be time to re-evaluate your life thus far. I’m kidding – you aren’t actually called “man friend” in yelp reviews are you?!

  • http://snowedin.net Erik

    “Guy I’m Dating.
    Whore.”

    Sorry, is there some funny subtext I'm missing here? I was enjoying reading your backlog and was excited about possibly meeting in the future (I'm a good friend of Brynn's and a former grad student of Jim Hollan's)…

    But after that remark, I lost my appetite.

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  • Seth

    This is brilliant. I’m glad there’s a page out there that spells out what I’ve secretly been thinking for the last few years. I’ll start reading a rather snippy review, and then… the Boyfriend Drop. “My boyfriend thinks this place smells funny.” Argh, women with low self esteem; must run away!

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  • http://www.facebook.com/lucy.weatherford Lucy Weatherford

    Cool… I do that too sometimes. but not since I’m single again.

    I spend wayyy too much time on maddate.com these days..

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